Prior to leaving on a special solo quest, King Arthur asked Merlin to develop something to protect Guinevere?s honor while he was away. Only a day had passed before Arthur received word that all was in readiness in the great wizard?s laboratory. With a flourish, Merlin unveiled a special chastity belt -- very special in that it had a rather large opening in the most obvious place. ?Bollocks, Merlin!? the King exclaimed, ?I mean, forsooth!! How is this wretched device supposed to protect my lady, the Queen, after I?m gone?? ?You judge too soon, sire!? said Merlin. ?Observe!? Merlin then inserted his most worn-out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway, into the aperture in the belt. SNAP! A small guillotine chopped the wand in two. ?Crackin? good job, Merlin,? said the grateful monarch. ?Er, I mean, excellent!! Your genius is revealed yet again and I am now free to leave on my special quest knowing my lady?s honor is unbreachable.? After fastening the belt around Lady Guinevere, Arthur set out on his quest, not to return to Camelot for several long, difficult years.
More to follow later, but now on to our review of King Arthur: Director?s Cut:
King Arthur: Director?s Cut is a cut above the film?s original theatrical release. All the thrusts, gashes, hacks, gouges, and scrapes deemed too violent, cruel, sadistic, mean spirited, or vicious to make it onto the big screen have been lovingly restored in this special DVD by director Antoine Fuqua.
Because this retelling of the Arthur legend is substantially different than previous versions of the story, let?s recap in, say, a haiku:
- King Arthur sees
Life is hard for all Britons
Bravery triumphs
- Guinevere, Arthur
Sadly ends platonically
Nice body paint though
Fuqua?s version of Arthur?s life begins with all the knights as young men forced into service by the last vestiges of the Roman Empire still lodged in Roman Britain (modern day England). To win freedom for himself and his knights, the charismatic Arthur must convince them all to join him on one final mission. Of course, everyone realizes with dread certainty that very few will return alive, Arthur included.
Arthur?s duty and moral fortitude are challenged when he witnesses how his country?s people are being treated, both by Romans and by the invading Saxons. He can?t stand by and allow such suffering, so his mission changes and so does the man himself.
As intimated before, King Arthur: Director?s Cut is longer and bloodier, and this helps out the huge and epic battle scenes immensely. The film still suffers the pains of the original movie. Some knights, Lancelot (Ioan Gruffudd) and Galahad (Hugh Dancy), look too much alike, so that at various parts of the movie, you really can?t tell who is saying what to whom. After a while, you just give up and wait for the next big battle to come walloping over the horizon. Then there is the knights? endless droning on about freedom, which becomes tiresome during the second half of the film, with the exception of Bors (Ray Winstone) who could make a recitation of ?One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish? sound like a paean for the common man.
The film?s casting can also be called to task... for beautiful and quirky reasons. Beautiful is Keira Knightly?s performance as Guinevere. While she?s absolutely vital to the story (she provides Arthur with a shot in the kiester when he needs it), she?s just too good looking to pull off being a Northern pagan tortured within an inch of her life -- we should all heal so quickly from such rough treatment. And quirky is Stellan Skarsg?rd, who somehow makes the Saxon leader, Cerdic, sound like a dirtied up, skin clad version of a Wild West cowboy. I kept waiting for him to say, ?Swing that sword, Arthur, and you?ll be runnin? for the rest of your life...?
Fans of hack and slash adventure movies will love King Arthur: Director?s Cut, and will lament that it wasn?t what Touchstone Pictures released to theaters in 2004. The DVD?s alternate ending (with commentary by Fuqua) alone is worth shelling out some of your hard-earned pounds sterling. Other extras provide a well rounded look at what Fuqua and producer Jerry Bruckheimer wanted to accomplish by making the flick.
But now, back to our joke:
At last, King Arthur returned to Camelot and immediately assembled all of his knights in the courtyard. And by royal decree had them drop trou. Sure enough, every one was flying at half mast, so to speak, except for Sir Galahad. ?Galahad,? exclaimed the King. ?You are my one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. Whatever is in my power to grant, you shall now have. Name it and it is yours.?
But, alas, Sir Galahad was speechless.
